Although I’ve been on medical leave for a week now, I wish I could say I was enjoying my time lounging around a pool sending out “Wish you were here” postcards… however, as the stress of work happily lifts off my shoulders, it’s been replaced by a much heavier burden that is much harder to shake. I have started to get nervous – not of the upcoming surgery, I’m more than ready for that! Bring it on!!! I’m more worried about the post-surgery and have been hit by a thousand “what if’s” that I know can’t be answered. Will there be complications? Will I truly be able to return to my former “normal” life? What about the anti-rejection meds… I’ve read there are tons of side effects… which will I get? Am I suddenly going to be a 300 pound bearded lady circus freak??? (Steve, don’t answer that…) Will this kidney last as long as they promise? Or will I have to go through this all over again in a few years? Not only that, but even with all I’ve been hit with in the last two years, is this just the beginning? What more will happen because of this damned diabetes???
Normally, I can walk out of the office and leave my work issues laying right on my desk so I am not bothered by them at home. These worries, though, have really stuck with me. I have had the worst case of insomnia I’ve ever dealt with…getting about an hour’s sleep each night, and not until about 6am if that. I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t have work to distract me right now, and the anticipation of “the call” happening right around the corner keeping me on edge. As much as I keep saying “I can’t wait for this to be over,” I’m realizing that a lot of this is never going to end and I’m trying to brace myself for that. I know that this transplant is not a cure, and that I will have to eventually do this all over again in about 10 – 12 years. I know that although my heart is better than it was, it’s still not fixed, and I still only have a percentage of it’s use. I’m fully aware that there could be other complications that may pop up as this disease continues to eat away at my insides. I’m trying to prevent that and I hope that I can tackle each of these issues with continued stamina and courage as I get older. (ugh… age can truly be a curse!!!)
In the meantime, I’ll keep waiting with my cell phone glued to my hip. And as the clock ticks on, I’ll keep myself busy by running errands and catching up on all the movies/TV shows I haven’t been able to watch and pray that my fears disintegrate as time proves me wrong. On that note, in honor of today being Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I’d like to share my dream…
I have a dream that one day we will no longer live in fear of the dreaded diseases that are Diabetes, Cancer, MS, Alzheimer’s, etc. I dream that all of these charities we all donate so much money and time to finally and miraculously pull through with cures that will save and prevent all of us from having to suffer. I pray that there is an end to the destruction and worry that these diseases cause to the people who are diagnosed and their families. I hope that my young cousin (who was also diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes) never has to go through what I’ve had to go through and that he’s spared the damages that I, my grandmother and aunt have all had to endure. I hope to one day never have to bruise my fingers again from testing my blood sugars and that I don’t have to worry about going blind every time I drink a glass of chocolate milk. I pray that all of this goes away… and know I’m praying for a miracle. However, I have been told that sometimes these types of dreams can’t come true until you put it “out in the universe,” so there it is.
What I’m thankful for today: