Under pressure…

Dear Nacho,

Although I’ve been on medical leave for a week now, I wish I could say I was enjoying my time lounging around a pool sending out “Wish you were here” postcards… however, as the stress of work happily lifts off my shoulders, it’s been replaced by a much heavier burden that is much harder to shake.  I have started to get nervous – not of the upcoming surgery, I’m more than ready for that!  Bring it on!!!  I’m more worried about the post-surgery and have been hit by a thousand “what if’s” that I know can’t be answered.   Will there be complications?  Will I truly be able to return to my former “normal” life?  What about the anti-rejection meds… I’ve read there are tons of side effects… which will I get?   Am I suddenly going to be a 300 pound bearded lady circus freak???  (Steve, don’t answer that…)  Will this kidney last as long as they promise?  Or will I have to go through this all over again in a few years?  Not only that, but even with all I’ve been hit with in the last two years, is this just the beginning?  What more will happen because of this damned diabetes???

Normally, I can walk out of the office and leave my work issues laying right on my desk so I am not bothered by them at home.  These worries, though, have really stuck with me.  I have had the worst case of insomnia I’ve ever dealt with…getting about an hour’s sleep each night, and not until about 6am if that.  I guess it doesn’t help that I don’t have work to distract me right now, and the anticipation of “the call” happening right around the corner keeping me on edge.  As much as I keep saying “I can’t wait for this to be over,” I’m realizing that a lot of this is never going to end and I’m trying to brace myself for that.  I know that this transplant is not a cure, and that I will have to eventually do this all over again in about 10 – 12 years.  I know that although my heart is better than it was, it’s still not fixed, and I still only have a percentage of it’s use.  I’m fully aware that there could be other complications that may pop up as this disease continues to eat away at my insides.  I’m trying to prevent that and I hope that I can tackle each of these issues with continued stamina and courage as I get older.  (ugh… age can truly be a curse!!!)

In the meantime, I’ll keep waiting with my cell phone glued to my hip.  And as the clock ticks on, I’ll keep myself busy by running errands and catching up on all the movies/TV shows I haven’t been able to watch and pray that my fears disintegrate as time proves me wrong.  On that note, in honor of today being Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I’d like to share my dream…

I have a dream that one day we will no longer live in fear of the dreaded diseases that are Diabetes, Cancer, MS, Alzheimer’s, etc.  I dream that all of these charities we all donate so much money and time to finally and miraculously pull through with cures that will save and prevent all of us from having to suffer.  I pray that there is an end to the destruction and worry that these diseases cause to the people who are diagnosed and their families.  I hope that my young cousin (who was also diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes) never has to go through what I’ve had to go through and that he’s spared the damages that I, my grandmother and aunt have all had to endure.  I hope to one day never have to bruise my fingers again from testing my blood sugars and that I don’t have to worry about going blind every time I drink a glass of chocolate milk.  I pray that all of this goes away… and know I’m praying for a miracle.  However, I have been told that sometimes these types of dreams can’t come true until you put it “out in the universe,” so there it is.

****************

What I’m thankful for today:

Hope.
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7 responses

  1. It’s ok to be scared, you’d be crazy if you weren’t- but stay strong. You can do this, and you’ve had the toughest team of experts clear you for this surgery. They have inspected every red hair on your body and wouldn’t clear you for this surgery unless they believed you would come out 100% ok. Trust in God & their expertise. I’ll be praying for you.

    1. Thanks Kameron! You are right and I’m definitely trying!

  2. I cannot tell you how proud I am of you in how courageous you have been in sharing your feelings openly through this blog. I know how difficult it has been for you to even let people know that you have had this problem, let alone know how you feel about it. Keep your chin up and remember that with all the love and prayers you have had surrounding you, good things will happen! Love you!!

    1. I love you too Mom. 🙂

  3. Hey Berts. All I can say is when you do get that call, everything will change….for the better! When you will wake up all your senses will be clearer. Smells, colours, thoughts. Your body is craving these organs so as soon as they are transplanted and your blood pumps through them, your life will go back to normal, and more. I had some complications at the start but nothing they couldn’t fix. Rejection is normal but they can kick the kidney back in. Honestly, I can’t tell you ow amazing I felt for 11 of those 13 years I had my mums kidney. I was unlucky but I know people that have had their transplants 20, 30 and 40 years. You don’t need to worry about what happens IF or WHEN because no one knows their own destiny. Vision yourself happy and healthy with pumping transplants living your dream. It will happen but for now we have to stay strong and remember, a negative thought is a luxury we can’t afford. We are not allowed to give up. Remember how lucky we are to have dialysis to keep us going. I need you to stay strong because your affirmations make me smile every time I read them. As long as we have each other and all our friends out there going through the same thing, we are not alone and we sail the same big boat of hope. Getting a transplant is the best thing that will ever happen to you so next time you can’t sleep, I hope it’s because your sooo excited about your future. I’m still getting used to the exchanges and when I get down, I remind myself of all the time I spent on heamo in hospital. Ill be ok. My vision is having bountiful energy, swimming in the ocean with turtles and tropical fish, drinking gallons of icy water travelling the world with my husband and dog. What’s your dream?

    1. Thank you for putting in a new perspective! Your experience with having “been there, done that” really does inspire me. I agree that we have to keep a very positive attitude, and it’s something I’ve always tried to maintain, however at times it does get to be a bit of a struggle. I am working on overcoming these fears each day a new issue “pops up”, but you have reminded me that we’re in this together and I can’t forget that. 🙂 We can do this! (Btw, I had to smile at your “drinking gallons of cy water” dream… only people who are limited with their drinks understand the luxury of that simple wish!)

  4. Agreed, KidneyQueen!

    My friend Mayge had a transplant a year or so ago and is in wonderful shape and enjoying life away from dialysis. The recent death of a mutual friend brought us back together and I was so pleased to see how well she was doing. I hope you have the same experience. I miss peeing! So, take some added pleasure in that for me, please. LOL

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